Read the Fine Print

So a few weeks ago I get a text from one of the Gentlemen Friends that says “Memphis cold. Companion fare about to expire. Florida sound good to you?” Um, hang on, let me think about that (for about 0.00003 nanoseconds) “YES!”

Off we went!

We checked into a property that we had been told about last fall during the SPLASH Hotel Takeover. It’s a relatively new lifestyle resort in Kissimmee called Secrets Hideaway. As we were filling out our paperwork and taking in the surroundings, we got to overhear one-half of a phone conversation between the receptionist and a potential guest who was returning a call about her reservation, which is the inspiration for the blog title. Needless to say, I was damn near rolling on the floor laughing while listening to this….

Good Morning, thank you for calling Secrets Hideaway Resort & Spa. How may I help you?

(short pause to listen to caller)

Yes, ma’am. I left you a message to confirm your reservation and answer any questions you may have about our property.

(another short pause)

Um, you did get the confirmation email that described the nature of this property, right?

(receptionist’s face changes to the “here we go” expression)

Ma’am, this is a Swinger property; I’m not sure that you are going to be comfortable here. It was all explained on our website and in the confirmation email that you received.

(longer pause to listen to caller)

Honey, I really don’t think this is the property for you. I don’t think you will be comfortable here. We’ll be happy to cancel your reservation with a full refund of all reservation and booking fees. I really think you should choose another property for your stay.

(much longer pause, receptionist face says caller is getting upset)

Well, ma’am, you don’t even know what the Swinger community is. I really think you would be offended if you came to our property…

(caller interrupts receptionist)

Ok, you are more than welcome to keep your reservation, you should be prepared for nudity on the property, and men who will not be shy about hitting on you, oh and women too. You don’t know anything about Swingers, I just think you will find this property really offensive.

Yes, ma’am, it was all explained in the confirmation email…..

Ok, well, just call me back and let us know if what you would like to do…..

(I’m pretty sure the caller hung up on her)

By now, those of you that know me, know that I have had to manually engage my brain to mouth filter with a hand over my mouth. I have been maintaining eye contact with this awesome receptionist the whole time, and just can’t keep the laughter in. This sweet lady hangs up the phone and apologizes to us for having to listen to that conversation. “Don’t apologize!”, I tell her, “this is the funniest thing I have heard in weeks!”

Unfortunately, I never did find out if the caller checked in or cancelled. I can only assume the latter since we did not see any shell-shocked vanilla ladies walking around the pools full of nekkid folks. There is nothing quite like standing around in the sunshine, buck naked, with a drink in hand, just talking about the weather and comparing lifestyle properties and events.

Read the fine print, people!


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Getting Played vs Playing

Every now and then, you get played instead of playing. The lesson from being played, is to know how not to get played next time.

MrTrainer got played.

I had a gang bang set today for a couple that had been in touch with me for several weeks. They had swapped messages with me at the preferred LS site, exchanged personal e-mail and cell numbers, then shared pictures. They seemed like a fairly normal couple, yet looks can be deceiving and the cosmos has no favorites when it deals the cards of fate.

So here’s what happened. Couple agrees to date for gang bang. Trainer sets up gang bang – gets the kind of men the girl likes, gets other sexy girls that the girl likes, books a suite at a nice hotel – and the seemingly normal couple has only to drive to town to take part, per their half of the deal.

You can see what’s coming, right?

Day of gang bang rolls around and suddenly the male of seemingly normal couple claims to have car issues, blames it on a wreck the day before and then texts me “we’re going to try and make it” even though this plan has been known to him for two weeks.

Going to try and make it? Going to try and make it?!?

Dude, you and your lady had one commitment, ONE COMMITTMENT and that was to simply show up when you said you would. Can you believe this guy? I can, because I… GOT… PLAYED.

So at midday, I text everyone else invited (one who rearranged his work schedule to be there and another who was driving 1 1/2 hours to be there), to let them know that our seemingly normal couple had bailed. They all responded, telling me that it sucked and they were sorry the GB fell through.
Not surprisingly, seemingly normal couple’s last text to me was “I don’t think we’re going to be able to make it in time.”

And that was it.

No “hey man, we’re really sorry” or “can we help pay for some of the costs of the room” or “truly we are very sorry, this is on us….”

Not one damn peep of regret.

That’s when it fully dawned on me that they never intended to be there in the first place.

There are playmates and then there are players. Players like to play people. They are just career liars that get their jollies off manipulation. Sad as it is, the Lifestyle is no more immune to this character of person than the realm of the Vanilla world. Some players are masters at their craft. They say the right things at the right time and you think you’re good with them, that is until you have to count on them.

Here are some valuable tips for those of you still navigating the LS seas or those of you who’ve been in the waters for awhile and missed the sharks.

  1. Make sure you know someone else who knows anyone new you meet online in the LS. The player(s) can be anyone. If you don’t know someone who knows a new contact and you haven’t been around them, then you really have no confirmation of who you’re making plans with via the phone. It could be a couple, a single guy or a teenager playing a gag.
  2. Make any new LS contact prove to you that they are legit. Not asking a question can be crucial. The player knows how to answer basic questions so be sure to stump them. Tell them you want to talk to both of them over the phone, not just one of them. Also ask them to give you names of couples they have met in the LS or online so you can check it out yourself.
  3. Meet in person first before making any additional plans for activity. Now Kitty and I aren’t fans of dinner with new people but I now believe that meeting for a face-to-face MUST be part of the process. You can meet for a drink somewhere public. If they don’t show or text/call you at the last second with a “convenient” excuse (car issues, kid issues or health emergency), that they think nullifies their poor behavior, then they are phonies. No joke, I had one couple tell me about another seemingly normal couple that did this to them not once, not twice but THREE times. Each time it was an even bigger, bombastic excuse than before:TEXTSo  sorry, we can’t make it. Her period started as we were leaving!
    TEXT – So sorry, we can’t make it. Our kid is throwing up violently!
    TEXTSo sorry, we can’t make it. Our house just fell into a sinkhole!Yeah, and I’ve got a seaside condo in Saskatchewan if you buy any of those.
  4. Have friends take a look at profiles of new contacts before you take it further. I’ve found that Kitty’s intuition about people is usually 99% accurate. She has this knack for sensing something not quite right. It has spared her many a disappointment in her LS dealings. I should have let her view the profile for the seemingly normal couple. It would have spared me a lot of time and effort.

So don’t get played. Ask more probing questions, get LS friends’ take on a new contact and make sure to have meet a new contact in person before going further. It will spare you a lot of disappointment and maybe the cost of a hotel room too!


Trainer out. Gotta lick my wounds!







Be the kind of person you’d like to fuck

We wish to welcum back one of our favorite LS couples. They have shared experiences and posted their advice before. The Mrs. of the team shared the following with myself and StrayKitty recently. We thought it perfect for the blog. Read, learn and enjoy!

Be the kind of person you’d like to fuck.

As lifestyle missionaries alongside MrTrainer, it’s part of our calling to mingle with newcomers at our favorite LS club and make them feel as comfortable as possible while exploring the “enlightened side”. We were all there once, after all: fresh, new, and wide-eyed with our curious cautions…

Along the way, we have asked and have been asked dozens of questions about “how it all works”. Some of the most common are:

– Were you nervous your first time? (yes.)

– Did you feel jealous afterwards? (no.)
– When do you think you’ll be done with this? (when do you become being done with who you are?)

In the past month, a new theme has emerged in our conversations, particularly with females, in the lifestyle. Their questions and comments have largely centered on imperfection – both in how they perceive themselves and among challenging lifestyle situations. I’ll share a recent story:

A friend of mine named Alaina hugged me last night, saying, “You’re so sexy.”

I returned the compliment and added, “I’m glad it’s hot outside so we can wear less than usual!”

Alaina shrugged and said, “Not me, but you should. I gotta lose all of this weight before I can even think about wearing dresses like you and feeling sexy.”

Hearing her say that about herself breaks my heart. While modesty is one of the most beautiful qualities in the word, insecurity is among the most unpleasant. In the lifestyle, it’s extended further. If you walk into the club believing you’re not sexy, chances are – that’s exactly what others will believe, too.

I assured Alaina that she’s sexy, but it’s important for her to believe in order for it to radiate from her.

I shared my club preparation routine with her (a.k.a. how I find my “sexy” every week). Sexy is a state of mind. It’s self-belief. It’s both learnable and losable and requires practice. I personally start off by turning on music that I like dancing to. I sing and dance while I take a shower and get ready. I choose clothes and accessories that make me feel good. I ask for Michael’s opinion to make sure I’m not crazy, but my final check… that is, the thing that tells me whether it’ll all work or not is this:

I look at my self in the floor-length mirror, completely assembled and ask myself “Would you fuck that girl?”

If my answer is ever less than an enthusiastic “YES!”, then I reassemble myself until I scream and repeat it while jumping up and down. Okay, slight exaggeration there, but you get the point.

Having self confidence will also effect how you perceive and react to Lifestyle challenges. If you’re worried about yourself less often, you’ll free your mind up to be more engaged with others around you. Isn’t that the kind of person or couple you’re looking for in the LS? Sexy, interested and drama free?

Me too, me too! Let’s go find them!

But don’t forget that it all starts with you. That’s right, be the kind of person you’d like to fuck. Let that be one of your guiding Lifestyle philosophies!


Trainer and I receive a lot of questions from curious couples who want to know more about BDSM. We thought we would collect the most common questions we get and try to answer them here. First though, let’s define just exactly what we are talking about.

BDSM is a very broad term that can encompass a whole lot of things from simple bondage to outlandish fetishes. Based on our normal audience, we’ll stick with Dominant/Submissive (D/s) behaviors and some of the activities that are most commonly associated with that. We’ll also specify two levels of BDSM play. One of my good friends recently described it perfectly, I think —

“Swinger BDSM is different from BDSM-BDSM. Swinger BDSM is about the play, a touch of pain but it’s mostly about turning the woman on and making her feel slutty then banging her real good. Real BDSM is about taking control of a woman, doing whatever the hell you want to her, whether she likes it or not (up to previously discussed hard limits) and just making her your personal toy.”

Ready? Here we go!

My wife is interested in BDSM, but I’m afraid to try it. I don’t want to hurt her.

If your lady has expressed to you that she wants to experiment with BDSM, now is the perfect time to discuss what it is she really wants. Is she looking for Swinger BDSM or is she looking BDSM-BDSM, or is she interested in a fetish associated with BDSM? This is also a good time to discuss hard and soft limits.

In our experience most times, your lady is interested in Swinger BDSM. More than likely, she wants to feel just a bit helpless, get a good dicking along with a good smack on the ass. If this is the case, don’t worry about hurting her. Quite naturally, you won’t smack her any harder than you do when she parades through the kitchen and you can’t help but smack that fine ass.

We would encourage you to start there. If she is wanting you to use tools like paddles and/or floggers, then you’ll need to practice a little bit either on yourself or on her if she is willing. During this practice, your goal is to measure the amount of force you use and the level of pain/excitement it produces.

If she expresses an interest in BDSM-BDSM, then you two really need to talk about this. Research it together, and talk about the information that you find and how you feel it will fit into your relationship and your specific personalities. Don’t know where to start your research? Type “what is bdsm” in your Google search bar, trust me you won’t run out of material.

What are hard-limits versus soft-limits and how do you figure out what they are?

While this could seem daunting, it’s actually pretty easy. You and your partner probably already have a good idea of what turns you on and off, and this is the perfect place to start. Have this discussion before you start your play.

A hard limit is something you will not do, no matter what. The reason can be almost anything from moral code, a health issue, or just the ick-factor. Basically, there is no way on this Earth that you will consent to this particular thing.

A soft limit is something that you are unsure of, makes you nervous or uncomfortable, but you may agree to it under certain circumstances. A soft limit can also be health related, maybe you have an injury or temporary illness that will prevent you from being able to do something.

If you feel like you have no idea where to start, there are a number of “checklists” online that you can use, however, be prepared to run into a wide variety of things. Remember, BDSM covers A LOT of ground.

How will I know if I’ve gone too far?

Remember “safe, sane, and consensual” and you should be good. This is also a good time to discuss safe words. Whether your Dom is your spouse or someone else, I highly recommend that you have them. If you run into someone that does not want to use them or refuses to use them, well personally, I wouldn’t go there.

Once again, this is a discussion that you need to have in advance. For beginners, I would highly recommend that you have a simple set of safe words that indicate “I’m good”, “I’m uncomfortable with this”, and “STOP”. This could be as simple as Green, Yellow, Red. These are universal colors for go, slow down, and stop, and don’t immediately have a sexual connotation. This last bit is important; if part of the fantasy that you are acting out has the submissive resisting the Dom, these words will indicate that the submissive is seriously communicating to the Dom about the current activity. Quite often resistance is part of a fantasy — “You big brute, stop it!” “No, don’t do that!” — but if the submissive follows one of those statements up with a “Yellow!” it’s time to back off, maybe switch to something else; if the submissive follows up one of those resistance statements with “RED!” all play stops immediately. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. It’s time to allow the sub to catch their breath, receive comfort if needed, and when ready, discuss what it was that caused the safe word to be used.

How do you decide on a good safe word? or What is a good safe word to use?

Safe words should be random words that are – A) easy to remember, B) have nothing to do with sexual activities, C) are not slang terms, D) are not resistance words.

Easy to remember – a word that is common in your mutual speech together that is not likely to be forgotten in the heat of the moment. Green/yellow/red are great for beginners, more experienced players have been known to use words like “Pepsi”, “Pineapple”, and other random words. It can even be your partner’s name, he or she is not likely to forget that.

Nothing to do with sexual activities; not slang terms – verbalizing an annoyed “well fuck me” statement will probably result in exactly that happening; so if you’re wanting the Dom to slow down or stop, this probably will not have the desired effect.

Is not a “resistance” word – in BDSM, resistance words are commonly part of the fantasy. No does not mean no, stop does not mean stop, and so forth. In a true BDSM-BDSM situation, these words are more likely to encourage your Dominant to keep going and push the sub’s boundaries (or soft limits) further.

How long should this kind of play last?

This is subjective to you and your partner. BDSM, even Swinger-style, can be incredibly satisfying and completely exhausting for both participants. If your role is that of the Dominant, you will be setting the pace and the time limit for this play. Pay careful attention to your submissive partner’s body language and reactions. If you can visibly tell that the submissive is getting tired, it may be time to bring playtime to its conclusion. If your role is that of the Submissive, pay attention to your own body’s signals and do not be afraid to communicate to your dominant partner that you are losing focus or getting too tired, or that this certain position is getting extremely uncomfortable because of a cramp, pinched nerve, or something similar.

As you continue to experiment with BDSM play you will each get better at “reading” the other one to anticipate their needs. But never be afraid to communicate during your play time.

Where do you buy your toys?

This is most often directed at Trainer who will sometime carry his Big Bag ‘O Fun around with him. It’s stuffed full of collars, cuffs, floggers, canes of various sizes, restraints, blindfolds, and all kinds of other stuff.

You could go to a local adult store and find some of these items, you can order them online from just about anywhere, including Amazon, or you can purchase them custom made. Be aware though that this can become a rather expensive hobby very quickly if you don’t budget yourself.

Can you tell me about the relationship between a Dom & Sub? And how do people do this 24/7?

Dominant/Dom/Top and Submissive/Sub/Bottom are just words to describe a person’s role within their relationship. Even normal relationships have one person who is more “take charge” than the other. Generally speaking in a BDSM relationship this is more pronounced in the sensual and sexual areas of the relationship, with very clearly defined roles for each person.

For those that choose to live a D/s relationship 24/7, it’s really not any different than your swinger relationship with your partner. If you’re doing it right, the swinger lifestyle fulfills both a physical and a psychological need for both you and your partner. It’s the same thing for a fulltime D/s couple. Everyone has their different reasons, but the basics are all the same.

What is a “switch”? How do I find out if I am a Dom, a Sub, or a Switch?

Pay attention, there will be a pop quiz later.

Dominant/Dom/Top – these are all terms to describe the partner that takes charge and directs the play that will happen. He/she is the authority figure during this time. This role requires the person not only to plan and direct the session, but also means that you are your submissive’s caretaker of both physical and psychological needs.

Submissive/Sub/Bottom – these are all terms to describe the partner that will take the submissive role to the Dominant. His/her role is simply to “be”. The submissive is not a decision maker or director of the play that will happen. He or she may ask for a particular act or fantasy from the Dom, but the timing and execution is up to the Dom.

Note: it is bad form to “top from the bottom”. This happens when the person in the submissive role tries to control the play either directly, indirectly or passive aggressively. If you are in the submissive role, you have agreed to go along with whatever the Dominant wants to do.

Switch – this term refers to a person that enjoys equally the role of the Dominant and the Submissive. They can “switch” into either persona to fit the fantasy being played out.

What is collaring?

Collaring can mean many things to those practicing BDSM. There is no particular guide or formula to giving a collar, but there are a few basic constants to this particular item –

  • The Dom always gives the collar to the submissive
  • The collar and the person wearing it should always be treated with respect; he/she is off-limits to anyone else while it is worn
  • The Dom should be the only one to put on or remove the collar
  • The collar is the property of the Dom and should be returned if the BDSM relationship ends

The reasons that a Dom may use or place a collar on his submissive can vary. It may be a signal that BDSM play is about to begin, it could be used as a training tool, it could be a sign of a committed D/s relationship. The collar’s meaning is as varied as the Doms that use them.

What is the difference between a D/s relationship and a Daddy/Babygirl relationship?

Trainer says that I’m the best one to answer this question, but I’m not sure there is a firm answer to this question. In my personal opinion, a D/s relationship is one that has very clearly  defined roles between partners; one is always the Dom and one is always the sub. “Daddy” and “baby girl” or sometimes “little girl” are just another form of D/s relationship. Just like Master/Sir/Mister are terms of authority and respect for the Dom, Daddy could also be added to that list. Depending on the type of play you engage in, terms for the sub like slut/pet/bad- or good-girl can be terms of endearment or humiliation/degradation.

The Daddy/baby girl relationships that I have been around are ones where the Dom has the role of protector, disciplinarian, or pseudo-parental figure that allows the sub to occasionally give in to her inner child.

My man has expressed an interest in being dominated by someone else. I’m not sure I like that idea. How can I support his fantasy?

Kitty says I am the best one to answer this question from the male perspective. If you’re struggling to get your brain around this conundrum (your big, strong man wanting to be handled, bound and possibly – heaven forbid – spanked!), all I can advise is BE MATURE. Disconnect the romantic vision of the “hunter/warrior” and consider that this is a fantasy he wants to try for pure sexual gratification. Afterwards, he will still be your big strong man. The other part is that in watching another take control of him, you might find that it really turns you on, much the same way it turns a lot of husbands on to watch their wives in a submissive role.

Give him the same courtesy of consideration that you would want from him if you shared a desire to be dominated, or any other sexual fantasy. Remember that it isn’t going to do irreparable damage to try it.

That’s my call on this and, ladies, in the hands of the right person (someone you both like and trust) this can be great fun!

I’m afraid to explore BDSM. I’m afraid that if I give in to a submissive position, my partner will think less of me; lose respect; or want me to be like that all the time.

Kitty says – BDSM and the roles played are what you and your partner agree it will be between the two of you. If you’re worried about these things, even after having candid discussion with your partner then one or the other (BDSM or partner) is not a good fit for you. At the end of the day, when all the playtime is done, neither you or your partner should feel shamed by the fantasies that you have acted out.

Trainer says – A role is a role and that is just what you’re doing when you engage in a BDSM fantasy. Both partners are turning off their day-to-day roles and assuming new personas for the experience. Choosing the role sets the tone of your experience. Discuss what you’re wanting to accomplish and pick roles accordingly. While you’re in the moment, you are the role you selected. After the fantasy, you’re back in everyday roles again. Live in the moment (because that is all it is) and enjoy that moment.


Single Swinging as a Pair

Good morning, kinky friends!

Trainer and I are lounging around in bed on a Saturday morning enjoying the second part of a good C&C morning and catching each other up on our individual lifestyle news. (For the uninitiated, C&C stands for Cock & Coffee, to be enjoyed in which ever order you feel like.)

As our conversation has rambled about, we settled on the topic of communication, again, which for us is just a hugely important part of being successful in the lifestyle. We often talk about it here on the blog in reference to couples communicating with each other, but this morning we went off on another tangent with it. As you know, Trainer and I are both singles in the lifestyle. We often team up to create a dynamic duo, but we also play individually without the other. But one thing we always do is talk to each other about our experiences.

For us, this is not a kiss and tell kind of thing. We do this for several reasons –

  1. Just because we both have been doing this for some time, we can still learn from each other’s experiences.
  2. It’s a safety thing, at least for me. Telling the other one about our experiences keeps us in the loop in case one of the people that we have played with turns out to be an axe murderer.
  3. Communication is what makes it work for us when we do play as a dynamic duo.

So let’s break this down a little bit.

Point #1, we still learn from each other. Both Trainer and I have an inquisitive nature and we like to learn new things. When that happens during a play date, we can’t wait to share with the other and maybe see if we can recreate it. Or maybe we have played with a couple as the “stunt single” and they have expressed an interest in trying a full swap, but are kind of nervous. Then we share with each other to see if this is something we can make happen for that couple, and who do we know that would be a perfect fit. We’re all about helping folks make their fantasies come true.

Point #2,  safety, safety, safety. And here I’m not talking about safe sex kind of safety, although you should always practice that. I’m talking about your physical safety. Let’s face it, we live in a world of crazy people, and I tend to watch too much Criminal Minds. I have also, for those that don’t know, been the victim of a crazy stalker. So when I get ready to venture out on my own, I always let someone I know and trust know where and with whom I’m about to disappear with. Doesn’t matter if it is a house party, LS event, or just going on a date with an LS guy. Likewise Trainer keeps me posted, most times, on his ventures just in case, although I think he does this more for my piece of mind.

Point #3, these conversations have developed in such a way that Trainer and I get two specific things, aside from mutual entertainment, out of it. The first is we learn more about each other, and this results in more satisfying encounters when we do play together. Second, we have developed a spoken and unspoken signal system that we can use when we unexpectedly find ourselves with a couple or single and the sparks start flying. We may introduce the other one to a new couple and my body language says, “I want to jump his bones! You wanna take care of his lady?” while his body language says, “darling, have we just met? Um no, not interested.” Later we will discuss why and how.

Communication also makes us excellent “wingmen” for each other. You should come to a vanilla event with us. We love people watching and it gets rather funny when we start picking potential hook-ups for each other.

We often have other singles ask us, how it works for us, this whole one minute we play as a single individually and then effortlessly slip into playing as a couple, and where can they find a partner in crime like that. The answer is communication and mutual trust. And understanding that it is not an effortless thing, it looks effortless because we talk to each other. We’ve also known each other for quite a while and have grown together through our(mostly awesome and occasionally awkward) experiences. We were fortunate to have met each other in the LS at a time in our lives where we were both singles and eager to swim the length of the deep end of swinging pool, all the way to diving down and touching the drain. That’s just us and how our chemistry happened. We were poised at the same sexual moment, mentally and physically, so it just clicked!

As a single, you can have that same dynamic too but you have to talk to each other and develop trust in each other. If this is something you want as a single LS-er, let your friends and contacts know. I’d put money down and bet that they know someone that you might click with. Then remember the most important factor to making it work…talk to each other.

Go forth, single friends, and make your own Dynamic Duo!


The Sexual Optimist

Lauren and her husband Michael frequent our favorite LS club and have become tight friends with Kitty and I. They are evolved swingers that pursue new experiences with every opportunity. We love their enthusiasm!
Recently Lauren spoke about what drives them and we suggested she share that with our blog friends. The following is their view in her words.

In the philosophy of sexuality, sexual optimists believe that sexuality is a bonding mechanism that naturally joins people together – both sexually and non-sexually. Although I happen to agree, I’m no philosopher. I’m just the female-half of a couple who have enthusiastically accepted the good the lifestyle has to offer.

Now what is this I mean about sexual optimism? Let me explain by telling you a little story:

One night, MrTrainer and StrayKitty, (who you know very well by now), invited us out for drinks with a lifestyle couple visiting the area. I was a bit under the weather, as was MrTrainer, but we hate to miss a chance to spend time with some of our favorite friends.

The six of us had a great time in our like-minded circle out in Vanilla Land. The chemistry sparks didn’t fly with the new couple, so we amicably parted at the end of the night. StrayKitty and my husband, however, had been conducting chemical experiments all evening…

“Can we work something out tonight?” she asked.

It’s a question that arises often in the lifestyle. The conditions and constraints aren’t always what you might have imagined they’d be, but how you react in a situation like this, I believe, defines your ultimate sexual destiny.

Will you take a raincheck until all members are well again?
Will you walk away repulsed, saying: “I can’t believe they think we’d do that”?
Will you go along with it as-is?

A sexual optimist looks at each situation, searching for the sparkle.

I invited StrayKitty back to the house, and while my husband fucked her to ecstasy in our bedroom, I baked cookies.

And why would I do that?

  1. Cookies and sex smell good together.
  2. I knew they’d be hungry after all that.
  3. Optimizing experiences for others is fucking awesome. 

While 1 and 2 are obvious to most of you, the third point isn’t one to forget. Without having the desire for your partner, friends, and playmate(s) to have a good time, the dark green jealousy monster will find you (and I’ve heard it’s not as sexually fulfilling like a staged abduction might be).

StrayKitty is a fun, awesome, lovely lady, and she is undoubtedly one of my favorite friends. It’s thrilling that she and my husband have a mutual hobby and aren’t afraid to indulge in what the lifestyle has to offer. That’s why we’re all here, right?

In a relationship, “baking cookies” encompasses other acts of sexual optimization such as: being there to ‘orally support’ your partner during a gangbang, proactively inviting your girl’s DP fantasy guy over to surprise her, soliciting on your partner’s behalf if you are out of commission, or being open to trying different levels of xxx to ride the never-ending waves of sexual fantasy.

Sexual pessimists do not see the world this way. Maybe you know some sexually pessimistic people. They include the ones who talk about their worst lifestyle experience often, cock and pussy-blockers, and those who search for the bad in sexual situations (not the bad girl getting her ass spanked kind of bad, but the bad kind of bad).

Believe me: sexual optimism is worth it – both to you and to others in the lifestyle.

We met an attractive couple at the club last month, who had been exploring Swinger Land for over a year but had never played with another couple. Knowing that, I asked them if they’d accompany me while I watched my husband fuck another woman, and they – pleasantly shocked – said yes. As we watched him, I shared the lens through which we perceive the lifestyle, and that made all of the difference for their level of comfort and ease of acceptance. They had their first full-swap experience shortly thereafter and are still smiling about it a month later.

StrayKitty still talks about the cookies.

Remember point 3 above? Go on… give it a try. It’s so, so, so fun!

As MrTrainer often says: You’re either fucking or you’re not.
Might that phrase deserve an extension?
You’re either fucking or “baking cookies” or you’re not.

Who doesn’t like cookies after all?


Now go bake some for your man and your best girlfriend.



It’s in the Specifics

What do you want from the Swinging Lifestyle?

Think about it and really talk through it with your spouse/playmate as you contemplate this question.

Answers like “meeting other couples, having threesomes, going to full swap parties” are general responses. What Kitty and I want to know is what motivated you to consider this elevation to your sexual experience? We only ask because oftentimes, we aren’t completely honest with our partner or even ourselves.

An example addressing this would be the case of Mark and Marla.

They were good-time swingers, mainly meeting couples for the occasional sports fuck. On the surface, they seemed happy with where they were in the LS. Anyone that talked to them would have walked away with this same impression.
However, all was not harmonic in camp Mark and Marla. Somebody was not especially satisfied and this turned into conflict that drove potential playmates away from them.
Marla liked men a lot and Mark got a thrill out of watching her with other men. Marla however did not like Mark being with other women, yet failed to COMMUNICATE this to him. It ended between them not long after a rather public blowup, a sad ending that would have been easily avoided by having an honest conversation.
Marla should have said Hey baby, I’m not really comfortable yet with full swapping. Can we just do this for a while until I’m ready to see you with another girl? She failed to do this and went along for too long with something she vehemently disliked.
In our post breakup run-ins with them, Marla was still upset and Mark was still surprised. We asked them both rather frankly WHY they didn’t discuss full swap before trying it. Their answers were nearly identical as they confessed they thought you had to be full swap to be in the Lifestyle.

No-no-no-no and of lastly, NO!

They never talked with any people prior to getting in and then they didn’t talk among themselves after they got in. Marla’s angst and their avoidable breakup was due to misunderstanding.

Don’t end up like them.

Talk to each other in an open, caring fashion where concerns and fears can be laid bare and laid to rest. Okay, I just like typing the word laid but you get the point!

The opposite of this example is Dawson and Terri. They are a great LS couple that we see now and then up at Genesis Club and they are a prime example of two swingers who are in 100% sync.
Terri likes petite women and muscular guys, Dawson likes to see Terri with women, indulges her sometimes lust for a single guy and when they are on with another couple, they are both there in body and mind. They do it the way you are supposed to do it, so take note.

Talking… Communication… Honesty… These are the power points that lead to a swinging action plan that works for both partners, leaving no ugly secrets or hurt feelings on the table. You can have that, just like Dawson and Terri do, or you can have a fleeting idea of a plan that sends your LS jet into a nosedive as soon as it gets off the runway, like Mark and Marla.

Don’t be a Mark and Marla. Be a Dawson and Terri.

Just talk.

Now go make it a memorable weekend of agreeable, fornicating fun!

The Trainer Trains, the Kitty Prowls!